Writer’s Block

Posted on May 15, 2013 by daisypeasblossom
Sycamore tree, leafing out.

The old tree, leafing out. Dead limbs and broken stubs easily seen.

Spring is here, and with it comes my usual restless desire for “new”, “different”, and
“change”. Once that meant running away from the house and my grandmother to play in the woods, where I built tree houses, swung on grapevines and made stick horses. Between the ages of 10 and 14, a hundred yards from the house meant freedom from grown-up’s prying eyes and intrusion into my fantasy worlds.

Tuxedo marked black and white cat.

Tuxedo in front of my computer — which features a picture of him.

Today, it is my desk, my computer, the pile of bills and responsibilities from which I want to run. Realistically, there is no place far enough to escape their intrusion. Like childbirth, the only “escape” is to finish up the job, and get on with life. Even then, you know that the life “before” and the life “after” will be different.

Maybe my problem is that my editor rating dropped significantly after a mis-judged article; maybe the just-before-payday minimal balance in the bank account, maybe its the stack of papers waiting to be graded, or even the giant tree limb in the side yard. Whatever the problem is, at 10:30 am, I found that I have no more writing in me for a few hours.

IMG_3962

I can’t run away to the hills and woods today. I do have to come back inside, write the articles, grade the papers and maybe even get a chapter or two of fiction written. But I can make my escape to the garden. In a world of disasters, big tree having dropped another limb, my garden is my guilt-free escape from sitting in a chair staring at a screen.

new herb bed

Posted in Changes, Essays and Observations, Maintaining the House, My Homely Hearth, Survival, Writing, Writing for Sanity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Finding My Feet

Posted on February 2, 2013 by daisypeasblossom

Writing, even when the subject is something dry, comes from inside. The most mundane subjects, such as user manuals or handbooks, develop a particular flavor that reflects the personality of the writer.  More than that, they are influenced by the mood of the writer.IMG_3315

I write best when I feel somewhat secure, but have just a little edge of challenge in my life. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, sometimes called Candlemas or Embolc. The day is also sometimes called First Quickening. Here in southern Missouri, hints of spring whispered on the air. Wednesday, the winter cold came back, and big flakes of snow fell out of the sky. But I remembered that herdsmen use extra caution with their flocks at this time of year, because lambs and calves are often born during snowstorms. The days are getting longer, and hope is growing like the jonquils that are pushing shoots up from the earth in my flower beds.

Hope has a solid foundation this year. My writing showed a profit in 2012; not huge, but definitely there. I’m home, and more money means getting caught up on the bills and eating good, healthy food. I have books to read and re-read, and my darling Blaze kitty cuddled on my lap. Some of my writing is hard, now, because I am getting better assignments. There are still more bills. And that is the challenge part.

Tomorrow, Punxsutawny Phil, will make his yearly prediction. Will we have six weeks or eight weeks more of winter? Either way, spring is coming.

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Depression

Posted on November 25, 2012 by daisypeasblossom

My great-grandfather said that when laziness struck the bone, it was fatal. I have often wondered, as I struggle with making sense of my daily existence, if what he was talking about was really depression.

Depression isn’t necessarily born of sorrow, although it can be. It doesn’t really seem to have a rhyme or reason, and can strike in the midst of success, bringing triumph to a disastrous low. It lays waste to accomplishment that has gone before.

But wallowing in the Slough of Despond doesn’t get us through and up the other side to more solid ground. It just gets us wet and mucky, and let’s us sink deeper into the shifting ground. The choice is simple: get out or drown.

So upward we slog, dripping unpaid bills, unfinished work, good intentions and chores too often shirked, to stand on the solid rock of bitter reality.  Grandpa had another saying: “No Worky, no Eaty.”  That is the stick that drives, but where is the bloody carrot?

I need joy. I need happiness and light. Does it lie on the other side of Mount Dun? Well, better to strive than to stand here on stony ground. Best get to scattering my cliches in a more profitable venue.

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Poetry: Horns of Dilemma

Posted on November 25, 2012 by daisypeasblossom

This is confusing.

Who knew? One could be so lost

With tons to do.

All sense has flown

This wordy scene…

….You know what I mean, Jelly Bean….

Except I don’t. It is scrambled, will not jell

A wordy disenthropic hell

Of messages…sent, unsent, of bills and bills

With next month’s rent….

Can I settle? Can I file? Can I sort this growing pile?

How can I make this thing grow small,

Until it isn’t there at all.

When it is gone, what will I do?

Will I feel lonely? Will I feel blue?

Will I shout curses at the moon,

And try to hit it with my shoe?

Not ready yet to lie down and die…

So I guess I must get up and try.

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Living with Cats: Tuxedo Mask

Posted on November 23, 2012 by daisypeasblossom
Black and white cat on a blue chair
Tuxedo Mask, wearing his white bib and white tipped toes, as usual.

Tuxedo Mask is a handsome black and white tom. He is an oddly neurotic cat, and that is saying a great deal considering that cats tend to be a bit flighty.  He is one of a litter of seven kittens who came to live at my house as I was moving into it. He has a near look-alike sister, Diamond Blaze of Joy, and five classic tabby striped sibs, Geisha, Witta Toes, Big’uns, Spotty Wildcat and Brindle. I had not planned to keep all of them, but somehow they moved into my life and stayed.

Tuxedo went to my daughter’s house for two weeks, where we had hoped he would make a new home. He hid under the bed and stopped eating. After I retrieved him, he tended to hide a lot. He was no longer acceptable to his litter mates and had to have his own room for his safety. He is still the favorite trouncing target for my marmalade tom, William the Conqueror. After the tree fell, and they were all boarded out over that dreadful winter, he seems to have come out of his shell. He has gained some weight, and is both cuddly and playful.

Black and white cat being playful

“I’m cute and cuddly. Tickle my tummy so I can grab your hand.”

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Living with Cats: Carmen

Posted on November 23, 2012 by daisypeasblossom
Cream and white queen cat.

At age 18, Carmen Mirandiego still rules the house.

Carmen Mirandiego is a lovely white and cream colored cat. She is Alice’s littermate. Carmen runs the house, and she loves to slip out the door and play chase-the-Carmen. This game is played by one cat and one or more humans. It involves the cat holding still until the human is two or three inches from touching the cat and then leaping about three feet away. Repeat until Cat is tired and ready to be petted.

Carmen has been depressed lately. Her sister passed away over the winter, and we lost her niece  Alice’s daughter, Jacqueline Frost, this fall. Jackie had been ill for a long time with a recurring ear infection.

Carmen loves electronic equipment to sleep on. She was very disappointed when I got a flat screen monitor.

Carmen on the big-screen TV.

Carmen stopped eating for a week or two after Jackie went away from us, and needed lots of personal attention. During my Thanksgiving week vacation day, I cuddled her as I played computer games. I can cuddle a cat while playing a game that only requires using the mouse, but it is hard to hold a cat and type. Cuddling seemed to be the medicine that she needed. She ate multiple small meals, and seems much more like her old self. At age 18, her coat isn’t as lovely as it once was; but she still runs the house, in spite of several young ones who would like to have that job.

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Writing: Refreshing Value of Vacation

Posted on November 23, 2012 by daisypeasblossom

Thanksgiving week, and I am tired. This time of year, my thinking slithers down into some dark place. As the days grow shorter, so does my temper. That proverbial glass tends to be half-empty more often than it is half-full.

Faced with a final to create for the class I am currently teaching, several unfinished projects with looming deadlines, and a house that needs a serious cleaning, I find I have worse Attitude than a teen-ager that has been grounded for a month or more.

Picture of Calico Cat sitting on a computer tower.

Meet the real boss. She likes canned fishy cat food, crunchies, catnip mice and lots of people time.

Now, if you are working for someone else, you can blame it on the Boss. If you are a kid still living at home, you can blame it on your parents. But when you are self-employed and you have grandchildren that are taller than you are, the only person in the world you can really blame is yourself, which takes you to a dark place from whence it is difficult to return.

I’ve been writing-for-pay for more than a year now, but I am still learning the ropes. I’ve been a home-owner for 15 years, if you count my back-to-the-land years. I’ve been a librarian for more than 20 years, and have been self-supporting for most of the last 30 years. You’d think I’d have this self-actualized living thing down to an art by now. But retirement has caught me flat-footed, unprepared, and has created some decision times.

So I took a vacation. It wasn’t a big vacation, and I’d love to have more of one — but I really can’t afford it.  For one whole day I did nothing but play computer games. I alternated World of Warcraft with Magic Farm 2 and Plants vs. Zombies. The second day of my vacation, I cleaned the kitchen and cooked Thanksgiving dinner. It was for two, having done the family thing earlier in the month, so that was actually kind of fun.

Today, can’t be vacation all day. But while I played, I was thinking. I realized that one of the things that is bothering me is that everything I have written for the last year belonged to someone else. That is just acquiring more bosses — not working for yourself. While I can’t walk away from that, I need the income, I can carve out something for me. Today, I began my day with working on the novel that has been sitting unfinished in my computer since last November. It feels good to work for me, for a change, before plunging back into the backlog of Work for Others.

Today, is the first day of the rest of my life. And I can do this.

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Writing: Don’t Give Up

Posted on September 26, 2012 by daisypeasblossom

Today I woke up with the normal fearsome despair in my heart that comes from having a pile of work that needs to be done. I plunged into the stack, starting with my daily quota of  help desk questions. In the process, I found a new-to-me writing webpage: Absolute  Write. This slide show by Ira Glass made my day.

It is a good reminder that no matter what we are doing, it may not turn out right the first time. The way we get better is to keep on doing it. Of course, as we practice we have to assess what we have done, and make changes in what we are doing and how we do it so that it gets better and closer to that ideal product.

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Writing: Time and Energy Management

Posted on September 19, 2012 by daisypeasblossom

If there is anything in all the world I am not good at, it is time and energy management. Anyone who has ever worked with me will readily share that I am bit vague about when something should happen.

Learning to arrive on time, finish things on time and keep up with payment plans have all been a part of an ongoing process and learning to understand my personal approach to these things. My approach to time and energy management can usually be summed up in one word: Panic.

There is a good reason for this: I have a tendency to over-estimate the number of things that I can actually accomplish in a given amount of time. I usually have a fairly good grasp of what needs to be done, but I may not have enough personal energy to encompass all the processes and I may not have a realistic assessment of the amount of time needed to fulfill an obligation. After realizing that I was doing it  to myself again — overloading, that is — I backed off my number of work assignments and stopped accepting new ones.

A quick assessment of my remaining obligations went something like this:

  • Adjunct teaching: 6 hours in the classroom, and at least 6 hours outside the classroom.
  • Librarianship: 10 to 20 hours per month.
  • Client #1: About 16 hours weekly, depending on difficulty.
  • Client #2: Variable, depending upon snags, content and difficulty, BUT needs at least 16 hours a week.
  • Housekeeping: 4 hours daily
  • Yard work: 8 hours weekly
  • Personal care: at least 30 minutes daily
  • Playtime: I really need at least one hour, and two are better to refresh my brain daily

By adding up these times, it becomes quickly evident why I was not meeting obligations and why I was becoming exhausted and frustrated. So here I am, age sixty, and technically retired, but still trying to learn how to balance my personal energy, my time and my obligations. What can I say? I am a work in progress.

 

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Rejections, Inspections and Missed Offers

Posted on September 6, 2012 by daisypeasblossom

Into every writer’s life a few rejections will fall.  July was one of thinnest budget months I’ve seen in a while. The last of my teaching pay had been spent on bills and groceries, my first retirement checks would not arrive until the 31st. Writing and working at my small college library was all the income options available, so I loaded up on writing assignments of every kind I could grab.

That was a big, big mistake. By the third week of July, I was exhausted and ill. I wasn’t meeting deadlines, and I had picked up at least two clients that were a poor match for my best skills. My best skills are:

  • Writing Fiction: My plotting skills are still a bit weak, but I can create wonderful characters and I’m great at world building. I can spin yarns out of nothing.
  • Research: As a librarian and as a college student I have learned how to research and how to credit my sources. I write a pretty good non-fiction composition from secondary sources, if I do say so myself!

I can handle:

  • Writing for catalogs.
  • Writing website content, if all the recipient needs is a good word composition.
  • Press releases.

I am am abysmal at:

  • Creating backlinks.
  • Blog posting.
  • Writing adult content.

As soon as I realized the mess I was in, I stopped looking for new work, but I already had a backlog of clients. Steadily working through that backlog and fielding complaints has been time-consuming, wearing and less that satisfactory for anyone. I got some work back, had to do more re-writes than is normal for me, and wound up refunding one payment. I had a day job that took me away from home for two days, and missed an offer from a favorite client. That made me sad, but the opportunity was gone, and nothing could be done about it.

Moral of this story: Don’t accept more work than you can finish. Don’t apply for new jobs when you have old deadlines pending. Check your email often.

In the words of Stan Lee: ‘Nough said.

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